Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
