this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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