Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
third nipple confirmed
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
