I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
vagina is talking i cant
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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