Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
