I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
