I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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