I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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