Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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