i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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