My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
