Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
