i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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