I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
