I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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