You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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