I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
