You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
