I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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