so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
