did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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