How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
