Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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