Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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