I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
