Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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