did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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