I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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