My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
