i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
