Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
