Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
