Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
