Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
