ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
