dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
