my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
