If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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