Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
