rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
