Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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