New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize