I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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