It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
