I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
