I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
