Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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