This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
