My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
