Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
