I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
