Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
