Do you still have your period?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
