The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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