My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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